Strengthen Family Bonds: A Challenge for Dads and Moms

One of the most powerful insights from neuroscientific research and attachment theory is the concept of forming bonds for three.  Rooted in strong attachments created between a mother and baby in the first two years of a child’s life, healthy families encourage bonding between baby and dad or baby and other significant adults, such as grandparents, siblings, or aunts and uncles. 

One of the things I so appreciate about our adult kids is their eagerness for my wife Judy and me to bond with them and their family or friends.  When my daughter or son-in-law is visibly excited for their little sweetie to see Judy or me or our son—and then hang around to join in the fun—this little girl knows that mom is giving permission for her to bond with others in the family.  

And as this little one’s prefrontal cortex grows and develops the capacity to see three points of view simultaneously, she begins to understand how others see her, and finds healthy ways to interact with more people and explore the world. 

This is so important for dads and moms to understand.  Chris Coursey, in his book, Transforming Fellowship: 19 Brain Skills that Develop Joyful Community, argues that “Loving care from daddy from 12 to 18 months internalizes security for life.”  This interaction between mom, dad and child gets woven into a three-cord strand that is not easily broken, and provides “the playground for learning new skills.”

These three-way bonds carry a child throughout life—in the teen years, when a child begins to build a group identity with peers, and into adulthood, when we have the security to “welcome others into our tribe,” embrace new people, and demonstrate to others what healthy family and relationships look like. 

Our goal is to create healthy families, congregations and communities who extend themselves to those who lack friendships, family or community.  We become more like God, who “defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien…” (Deuteronomy 10:18-20) by creating love rather than fear and belonging rather than isolation. 

Consider inviting two friends to do something together this week.  Or find some other way to create bonds of three or more in the days ahead.