Learning How to Back Off

Some years back, I was in a relationship with a person who didn’t know how to back off. And the more this person pushed, the more I shut down. And the more I shut down, the more this person pushed and the angrier they became.

Have you ever known someone who argues or insists on making their point, but don’t know when to quit? Have you ever been that person?

Sometimes overwhelm even comes from too much of a good thing. Tickling someone for a few seconds can be fun—pinning them down and tickling them until they can’t breathe or cry out for help….well, that’s more like abuse.

It’s not fun to have someone through the red lights of your personal space. Is that sometimes you?

Chris Coursey, in his book, Transforming Fellowship: 19 Skills that Build Joyful Community, explains this skill he calls “Take a Breather”—knowing when to stop and rest before people become too tired, overwhelmed or too aroused.

I’m learning that with our Little Girl Who Brings Great Delight. The other night she was visiting with her parents. I was crawling on the floor, following her around the dining room table accompanied by joyful squeals (from her, not me). We then did a round of peek-a-boo behind the chair. It was late, she was getting tired, but was also getting more and more wound up. Like my mom used to say at this point, “Somebody’s going to get hurt!”—sure enough, our LIttle Girl pivoted on her wobbly legs, then fell and hit her head (not too badly) on the sofa table. Hearing her cries while her Mommy comforted her, I realized we’d gone a bit too far.

We all can learn to look for signs that we’ve gone too far, or have become overwhelmed, and take a break. We can learn to say, as Coursey says, “I see this is too much for you. Let’s stop and rest.” As you and I learn to rest, we see other people’s need to rest as well, and invite them to rest with us.